Writing blogs was once cool. That was about seven years ago. Now there are much cooler things to do on the internet, such as facebook stalking exes, watching entire seasons of pirated TV shows in one sitting, or tipping off one's significant other after planting fake extramarital cybersex chat messages into unsuspecting victims' computers to teach them a lesson for not password protecting their wireless network. Call me uncool, but I choose to blog. And by 'blog' I mean totally neglect this thing until someone tells me to update it.
Of course, it helps that right now I am so bored I have half a mind to cut my toenails by biting them off with my teeth. Sure, I could do more productive things such as clean my room or save the world, but that requires the lifting of my eyelids, and that's the kind of energy that I would rather not spend during these last few days of holiday freedom.
Speaking of holidays, I was overseas this time around, chiefly for my cousin's wedding, and catching up with the cousins, but also to go completely ape-shit in KL and throw all my eighteen credit cards at the various shopping centres in a mad 28-days-later-rage-virus type frenzy of shopping.
I'm not a shopper. I rarely look forward to the day out at a shopping centre. For me, it usually just becomes an exercise of frustration of not being able to buy the shit you want either because it is about 300% more expensive than what you're prepared to pay, or they have about 73 shirts in size XL, but not in S or M. It's not that shopping isn't good or fun. A good dose of retail therapy can certainly cure all, but spending an entire day walking around the shops with nothing to show for it is as productive as convincing an Israeli and a Palestinian to hold hands and skip through an open meadow together singing Randy Newman's "You've Got a Friend In Me". In most cases, I usually end up having more fun in shopping centres working out the best way to fortify the building in the event of an eventual zombie apocalypse like the movies and video games have been warning us repeatedly, rather than the actual shopping itself.
So anyway, I was in KL and bought close to 10kg worth of shopping.
You see, when it comes to shopping in general, I usually wait for that roughly four-yearly trip to KL before I go nuts and take advantage of a ridiculously awesome exchange rate. I intended to buy quite a lot, but "a lot" was supposed to be about one third of what I actually bought all up. But as the greatest man to have ever lived, Ron Burgundy, once said, "Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast!" And that got me thinking. How did I end up buying so much, that even chronic shopaholic I-only-shop-at-Prada girls would be impressed? Simple. I happened to have stumbled over the most efficient way of shopping, and now I share it with you.
Of course, it helps that right now I am so bored I have half a mind to cut my toenails by biting them off with my teeth. Sure, I could do more productive things such as clean my room or save the world, but that requires the lifting of my eyelids, and that's the kind of energy that I would rather not spend during these last few days of holiday freedom.
Speaking of holidays, I was overseas this time around, chiefly for my cousin's wedding, and catching up with the cousins, but also to go completely ape-shit in KL and throw all my eighteen credit cards at the various shopping centres in a mad 28-days-later-rage-virus type frenzy of shopping.
I'm not a shopper. I rarely look forward to the day out at a shopping centre. For me, it usually just becomes an exercise of frustration of not being able to buy the shit you want either because it is about 300% more expensive than what you're prepared to pay, or they have about 73 shirts in size XL, but not in S or M. It's not that shopping isn't good or fun. A good dose of retail therapy can certainly cure all, but spending an entire day walking around the shops with nothing to show for it is as productive as convincing an Israeli and a Palestinian to hold hands and skip through an open meadow together singing Randy Newman's "You've Got a Friend In Me". In most cases, I usually end up having more fun in shopping centres working out the best way to fortify the building in the event of an eventual zombie apocalypse like the movies and video games have been warning us repeatedly, rather than the actual shopping itself.
So anyway, I was in KL and bought close to 10kg worth of shopping.
You see, when it comes to shopping in general, I usually wait for that roughly four-yearly trip to KL before I go nuts and take advantage of a ridiculously awesome exchange rate. I intended to buy quite a lot, but "a lot" was supposed to be about one third of what I actually bought all up. But as the greatest man to have ever lived, Ron Burgundy, once said, "Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast!" And that got me thinking. How did I end up buying so much, that even chronic shopaholic I-only-shop-at-Prada girls would be impressed? Simple. I happened to have stumbled over the most efficient way of shopping, and now I share it with you.
1) By far the most important rule to efficient shopping is GO BY YOURSELF. None of this 'but I need a second opinion on this dress' business. Mirrors were invented for a reason, and no one gives a better unbiased second opinion than a reversed image of yourself, you sexy mofo. Having other people shop with you only slows you down. If you must shop as a couple, then treat your shopping centre excursion like a swingers party and go your own ways for a few hours.
2) If the object of your desire is selling for a good deal, then it's probably the best deal around. Sure, there are about eight other multi-level shopping centres on the same stretch of 300m road, but none of those centres will have a better deal. How do you know this? Well that's because once you've bought the item, you're never going to look at the price of that same item in another shop anymore, aren't you? ... AREN'T you!....
3) The trip back to your car or hotel room is your last and only one. No trips to and from to drop off shopping bags are allowed. You're wasting time, and besides, the extra weight of shopping bags is good exercise you silly fat oompa.
4) Once you've bought something, keep it inside that ninth shopping bag of yours and forget about it. Trying to remember what you've already bought when buying future goods only brings hesitation. Hesitation is not your friend. It wastes valuable shopping time. Buy first, ask questions later.
5) Do not look at your receipts until all your shopping is done. In much the same way, do not try to memorise and keep a running tally of how much money you have spent. No one needs to know how much damage your bank account has sustained. Especially not you.
6) Use a credit card. You might pay extra fees, but at least it doesn't feel as bad as using your own money.
7) Buying multiple goods requires constant opening and closing of your wallet, and repeated retrieving and replacing of your credit card inside it. Wallets are subject to much wear and tear when used in this fashion, and will eventually tear like mine did. You are now faced with a difficult decision: Do you stop your shopping to make quick, temporary, DIY repairs to your wallet, or do you discard it altogether and hope your pockets make a serviceable replacement? The answer is neither. You buy yourself a new wallet, and soldier on.
Follow these golden rules, and you too can enjoy the joys of excessive goods, and excessive debt. Remember now, excessive = happiness :D
2) If the object of your desire is selling for a good deal, then it's probably the best deal around. Sure, there are about eight other multi-level shopping centres on the same stretch of 300m road, but none of those centres will have a better deal. How do you know this? Well that's because once you've bought the item, you're never going to look at the price of that same item in another shop anymore, aren't you? ... AREN'T you!....
3) The trip back to your car or hotel room is your last and only one. No trips to and from to drop off shopping bags are allowed. You're wasting time, and besides, the extra weight of shopping bags is good exercise you silly fat oompa.
4) Once you've bought something, keep it inside that ninth shopping bag of yours and forget about it. Trying to remember what you've already bought when buying future goods only brings hesitation. Hesitation is not your friend. It wastes valuable shopping time. Buy first, ask questions later.
5) Do not look at your receipts until all your shopping is done. In much the same way, do not try to memorise and keep a running tally of how much money you have spent. No one needs to know how much damage your bank account has sustained. Especially not you.
6) Use a credit card. You might pay extra fees, but at least it doesn't feel as bad as using your own money.
7) Buying multiple goods requires constant opening and closing of your wallet, and repeated retrieving and replacing of your credit card inside it. Wallets are subject to much wear and tear when used in this fashion, and will eventually tear like mine did. You are now faced with a difficult decision: Do you stop your shopping to make quick, temporary, DIY repairs to your wallet, or do you discard it altogether and hope your pockets make a serviceable replacement? The answer is neither. You buy yourself a new wallet, and soldier on.
Follow these golden rules, and you too can enjoy the joys of excessive goods, and excessive debt. Remember now, excessive = happiness :D
