Things I have learnt so far this year

Almost the halfway point of the year.

Random stuff that I've learnt so far:

- Living away from home is fun

- Living away from home means doing your own laundry - not fun

- Med school is like high school all over again, except this time we give a shit

- Some people are just pure evil

- It is possible to feel like you're sixteen years old again

- McDonald's burgers are now small enough to eat five in one go

- Mountain Dew was surely invented by God himself

- If I could have two wives they would be large size KFC popcorn chicken, and large size HJ's onion rings

- You get drunk a lot quicker when you're already stressed or emotional

- It is best that you don't zone out three times, when you're driving in the foggy dark for ninety minutes

- My new goal in life is to get rid of every bus lane in the state

- Costco supports obesity

- Regular exercise isn't so bad after all

- I like squash

- You can survive on a regular bedtime of 2am

- Italian football/soccer players are still actors

- A vuvuzela is more annoying than eight little two year olds screaming for mummy in high-pitched squeals whilst you have a headache

- A Geelong vs Hawks grand final rematch is still on the cards

- Kingston is a delicious motherf*#king biscuit
- Condensed milk in a tube is just asking for sweet, sweet trouble

- I get withdrawal from not having mum's chicken soup

- My eyesight is getting shit

- I don't miss full-time work

- I miss full-time work income

- I hate the tax office

- Foxtel IQ will be the reason why every kid will grow up fat and lonely

- I no longer know what the fuck I am doing with computers anymore. (Seriously, wtf is OneNote?)

- I really should stop dropping the F-bomb

- "Cunt rash" is the biggest insult ever invented short of "you were an accident"

- UFC is awesome, even though it looks like men in weird sexual positions beating the living shit out of each other

- iPhones will one day rule the world, Matrix-style

- Rugging up in multiple layers and a beanie is completely offset by wearing thongs

- My black beanie automatically makes me a burglar/robber according to everyone else

- I am still really shit at noticing things, like when someone cuts/colours their hair

- When it comes to friends, quality > quantity

- My friends are awesome

Prochaska and DiClemente's Stages of Change: Exam edition

Pre-contemplation
This stage commences the moment the academic year begins (or following a previous exam during the year). The thought of the next exam is far from your mind. You have more important things to think about, such as what's for dinner tonight, or how many bottles of opened wine did I leave under my bed, and surely Justin Bieber doesn't have testicles. At this stage, exams are four months away, which is like, next year!

Contemplation
With each passing week, the lecture notes and other random pieces of paper pile up on the desk. You look at it, and then think about how awesome it would be to set it on fire right about now. Unfortunately, the arsonist within you is overcome by that voice in the back of your head (usually dad) that keeps asking, "so, have you been studying?" Have I been studying?! Where do you think I am? A university?? ... oh wait, shit! Yep, it's about this time where you start thinking about opening the books and spending some quality time with it. Of course, you're only thinking about it. At this stage, you're still pissing away every weekend, and watching pirated movies, three films at a time.

Preparation
Alright, enough f*#king around. It's time to do something about this exam. You're driven, not so much by the thought of failing the exam, but rather by the fact that a fail means a repeat, and a repeat means another year without an income, and another year without an income means another year leeching off other peoples' money through Centrelink. Hey, that doesn't so bad actually. Anyway, it's about this time that you get your arse into gear. The TV goes off, the computer games get shelved, and you tell your friends that you will be AWOL for the next few weeks days. But that's ok. You will make new friends. Those friends are called Caffeine, Cocoa, Guarana, Taurine, and Benzodiazepine. Also, it's about this time that you actually decide to go buy a pen.

Action
Right, it's time to knuckle down. You close the curtains, isolate yourself from the outside world and let your nerd-like instincts kick in. Pharmacology? You've learnt more about drugs during year 9 (out the back of school). Neurophysiology? More like grade 3 math. Anatomy? Home economics. You are a highly-trained, finely-tuned studying monster. An SAS soldier might be able to shoot you in the head 3km away with a pistol, but he can't draw a brachial plexus in 13 seconds flat like you can.

Maintenance
You've got your study on, and there's no turning back. What's that? Your boyfriend is calling? Tell him you have a new man, and that man is the pharmacist downstairs who is about to teach you three lectures worth of pharmacology in three minutes. What about cleaning? Pfft, everybody knows that houses clean themselves within two weeks of an exam. There is nothing that's going to take you out of your hypnotic, studious state of mind. You are in the zone. You are Michael Jordan winning six NBA championships. Muhammed Ali in the ring. Tiger Woods completing all the holes with a record score (pun intended). Of course, this would ideally continue on until exam time, at which point you will have reached the stage of Termination, but in reality, it never does. Inevitably, you will...

Relapse
So the study period has begun and you have come flying off the blocks like Usain Bolt on a concoction of steroids, ketamine, and methamphetamines. Who knows? For you, that might actually be literal. Either way, you failed to realise one thing. This whole studying business is a marathon, not a sprint... unless you're starting the night before, in which case ha! you're fucked! If there's one thing you should've learnt from primary school, it's that the tortoise always win, not the rabbit... stupid dumbarse rabbit. Throughout the course of studying, you will be tempted by various distractors to throw you off your newfound love for all things academic. Girlfriends, alcohol, strange urges to get on a plane that's going to another country. Whatever it may be, it just makes things all the more difficult. You will crack, and all of a sudden you will find yourself waking up next to three finished bottles of wine, twelve empty beer bottles, and thirty minutes to go before the exam starts.

It doesn't help that you will at some point (usually a week before exams), freak out and stress yourself to a state of catatonia and near-death. You think you will fail, based solely on the fact that the dude sitting on the other table knows that there are two eyes in the human body, whereas you thought there was only one. Don't worry, however, because it's a known fact that almost everyone will get to this state. I say 'almost' because there will be an inevitable few that will stay calm and collected. These are the ones that think they know everything. It is these people who will end up failing simply because it is not humanly possible to know everything. Hence, they are liars, and know nothing.

All that stress is usually followed by apathy. You are over it. Who gives a toss about this exam anymore? As a result you end up ceasing all study, and instead, engage in completely pointless exercises of procrastination such as writing practically useless blogs the night before an exam. :D