- Whoever eats the last chip/biscuit/lolly must throw away the package. I'm sorry that fat Freddy ate nine of the Tim Tams and only left you the last one. Rules are rules. The bin is over there.
- Racist remarks are only acceptable if they are directed toward your own race. This is why I have remarked, "bloody Asian" a million times, and I still haven't been sliced into three by a machete-wielding ninja loitering around Box Hill station. This is called 'sending up' your own race. Note however, that I cannot call someone using the dreaded N word that rhymes with "bigger", for my skin is not inclined in that way. If I did that, I would deservedly receive a cap in my ass.
- Calls for shotgun can only be yelled when the car is in view. You must also be outside in order to make a valid shotgun call. In the case of a tie, the driver chooses who rides shotgun. Also, shotgun calls are only valid for the length of that single trip. Return trips require another shotgun call. Shotgun rules are sacred. Even the rules of the Bible take a backseat to these rules. (Get it? Backseat! Ha!)
- No talking allowed in the public bathroom. This one mainly applies to males. Pissing in a public toilet requires the speed and efficiency of a crack SAS unit on a snatch and grab mission. Go in, head straight for the far urinal, zip down, shoot down the urinal cake, zip up, wash hands, get out. Why? This should explain why.
- If there are more women in the building, then the toilet seat must be left down after use at all times. However, if there are more males present, the seat must be left up. To clarify, the seat is not always down. I know you women complain about "having to touch the toilet seat to put it down", but did you ever stop to think that we men have to touch it as well to lift the damn thing up? And none of this, "at least you don't have to sit on the seat when you go to pee" business. You should have thought of that when you decided not to let the Y chromosome in.
- When washing the dishes, they must be rinsed. Leaving the dishes on the rack covered in soapy water defeats the entire purpose of cleaning it in the first place. If my year 11 chemistry tells me correctly, soap/detergent doesn't clean shit... it just helps it slide off the plate. So if the plate dries with the soapy gunk on it, it'll dry with the shitty food germs still on it. Cleaning fail.
- Whilst on the subject of all things kitchen and cleaning, tea towels that drop onto the floor do not magically clean themselves when placed back onto the bench/oven rail/cupboard handle. Put it in the laundry and get a new one. Kitchen cleaning nazi has spoken!
- When wearing a shirt with a collar, the collar must not be worn up. For f@#k's sake, we don't live in the year 2002 anymore.
- Whiskey that is at least 12 years old is not for mixing. If I ever see you pouring coke into a 12yo Chivas or a Johnnie Walker Blue, I will pick up that drink and splash it onto your face (then promptly steal the bottle of scotch and run away). This rule does not apply if you are a rich bastard, and a $500 bottle of scotch is the equivalent of a bottle of water for us mere mortals. In that case, go nuts and do whatever you want with that bottle of liquid happiness. May I suggest buying 50 bottles of it and pouring it into your golden tub for a nice, relaxing bath.
- When someone has graciously stopped and let you merge into the slow, heavy traffic, an obligatory courteous wave of thanks is in order. You are the reason why road rage exists if you don't acknowledge this act of kindness ... you ungrateful son of a bitch!
- Last one in is a rotten egg.
- If you are the last customer/s in a restaurant/cafe, you must leave as soon as possible. Hospitality workers have lives too, you know. No one wants to be held back at work because you like to take 97 minutes to drink one latte. Also, if the staff begin to put the tables and chairs up around you, they're basically saying "Get the f*#k out!"
- For all men, no crying allowed in front of your fellow males. I cannot stress the importance of this rule. The world exists only because of the collective level of testosterone that exists at any given time. It is a positive feedback loop whereby one acknowledges the manliness in a fellow male, and reciprocates by being even more manly - usually by a single incomprehensible grunt, or a silent nod of the head. This loop ensures adequate global testosterone levels which physically enables the world to spin in its orbit around the sun. Without it, we are doomed. Crying in front of other males is only allowed in special circumstances, that being at funerals and on the footy field. Crying alone is fine. Likewise, so long as she doesn't mind emotional types, crying in front of females is also ok. Just don't let her tell your friends.
- There are two types of escalators: ones at the shopping centre, and ones at train stations. If on the former, you may block people from walking up without condemnation. If at a train station however, stand to the left and let people walk up on the right side. For every person that stands to the right and therefore blocks the people wanting to rush up the escalators, one person gets fired from their job for being 13 seconds late. This person then can't find another job and their mortgage repayments fall behind significantly. Subsequently, their house is lost and the rest of their family is left out on the streets. The eldest daughter must help out with the family's plight and so abandons her dream of becoming a world-class doctor (of which she would've been and would've found the cure to cancer) and instead commences her new life on King St, working three strip bars per evening. This human tragedy could have been avoided if only you stood to the left.....
- No dancing to Justin Bieber. Her music sucks.
