So I have this large red bump on my shin. It kinda started about two days ago and I thought it was just one of those really bad pimples that got lost and took a wrong turn to end up near my ankles rather than on my face. Two days later and the thing has blown up like buggery. It's red and raised and bloody sore to touch. This afternoon it felt like it was throbbing when I was on my feet. That was the cue for me to suck in my stoic manlihood and to commit the one mortal sin for any man who wants to keep his ego - visit the doctor for something other than a heart attack, a fracture or to just get an unnecessary doctor's certificate to validate your sickie.
All you really need to know about the consultation is that it involved a sharp blade, and me trying desperately hard to keep still as I wince and scream something along the lines of "f*#kity f#@kin f#*k!!!" - that's without making an audible sound though. I think what made it worse was the fact that I saw the blade beforehand, so as I had my eyes closed I could still conjure up an image of this sharp little metal thing digging into the soft, bleeding skin all in vivid slow-motion. Anywho, it turns out that it's an infection, most likely from an insect bite of some sort which would explain the tiny little white dot in the centre of the area. I had the choice of antibiotics or antibiotics plus getting rid of whatever is in that raised bump. Injections and needles don't scare me so I figured this wouldn't be so bad. Well... let me give you a piece of advice. If a part of your skin is raised, red, warm and most importantly, painful to touch with even just a fingertip, then chances are a blade that the doctor not only inserts through your skin but also slides across it, will have you in more pain than listening to a hippy singing an opera with lyrics that repeat the words 'hug me a tree' eleven times over. And if you thought that was fun, having the doctor squeeze the pus out of it after making the little incision will bring you so close to elbowing her in the face, only to be stopped by the thought that hitting her will a) quite possibly cut your leg even more accidentally and b) leave you open to being sued. Oh, and did I mention that this was without a local anaesthetic?
That's right everyone, I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Silly people
The following people need multiple slaps to the face and a good re-thinking of their lives:
- Pre-teens and barely-teens wearing mini skirts and tops so small they are practically walking, talking porno films, when it's ridiculously cold outside and they're waiting in a long cue to get into a pub or club. Then they ask the closest male friend if they can borrow their jacket or coat. Ha! If they asked me for mine I'd burn it with a lighter right in front of them just to see their priceless faces.
- Most people living in Frankston.
- Fully sick bros that wind down their windows and pump the bass as they cruise down Chaps, when their bass is really, really horrible. If you're gonna do it, at least get a subwoofer you idiots.
- That lady that sued some person because she tripped over their stairs whilst trespassing through their property. Maybe I should sue her for breathing in air and causing more carbon dioxide which contributes to global warming, and hence makes me anxious that the apocalypse is drawing nearer, thus giving me eczema.
- All judges of performing arts reality shows. ie. Australian Idol, So You Can Dance, Australia's Got Talent etc.
- Everyone who participates in those shows.
- The people behind all those penis erection/impotence/premature ejaculation problem ads. Someone should rip their testicles off and go, "look who has a problem now ma boy!?"
- The lady that complained about having to wait because I was only five minutes behind schedule at the clinic. Here's a tip love: NEVER piss off a physiotherapist who is about to give you pain.
- The people behind making those Bratz dolls. Why don't you just make colouring books for 2nd grader girls that make a nice "IT'S OK TO BE A SLUT WHORE" message when you colour it in? It'll save you the plastic and the material for the clothing.
- Pre-teens and barely-teens wearing mini skirts and tops so small they are practically walking, talking porno films, when it's ridiculously cold outside and they're waiting in a long cue to get into a pub or club. Then they ask the closest male friend if they can borrow their jacket or coat. Ha! If they asked me for mine I'd burn it with a lighter right in front of them just to see their priceless faces.
- Most people living in Frankston.
- Fully sick bros that wind down their windows and pump the bass as they cruise down Chaps, when their bass is really, really horrible. If you're gonna do it, at least get a subwoofer you idiots.
- That lady that sued some person because she tripped over their stairs whilst trespassing through their property. Maybe I should sue her for breathing in air and causing more carbon dioxide which contributes to global warming, and hence makes me anxious that the apocalypse is drawing nearer, thus giving me eczema.
- All judges of performing arts reality shows. ie. Australian Idol, So You Can Dance, Australia's Got Talent etc.
- Everyone who participates in those shows.
- The people behind all those penis erection/impotence/premature ejaculation problem ads. Someone should rip their testicles off and go, "look who has a problem now ma boy!?"
- The lady that complained about having to wait because I was only five minutes behind schedule at the clinic. Here's a tip love: NEVER piss off a physiotherapist who is about to give you pain.
- The people behind making those Bratz dolls. Why don't you just make colouring books for 2nd grader girls that make a nice "IT'S OK TO BE A SLUT WHORE" message when you colour it in? It'll save you the plastic and the material for the clothing.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Please Mr. Employer, I want some more
Woo! First ever career paycheck came the other day. Despite only doing part-time hours at the moment it's still quite a chunky piece of dosh - more than I'm ever used to. No doubt the dark tax overlord from the evil ATO empire will take a huge chunk out of it to fuel the war machines of his superior (Johnny boy Howard), and unfortunately fund the inevitable compensations the government will have to pay to whining hippies at the G20 that were physically scarred from having cops standing within a ten metre radius from them. Actually, I really should work out exactly how this tax thing works. For all I care GST could stand for Good Sex Therapy and Wine Tax could be calculated via breathalyzers - the drunker you get the more you pay. My simple understanding of tax is still at the old Sim City computer game stage. You lower taxes and people come into the city. You raise them to some ungodly figure and the people will riot the local streets leaving the one lone fire truck to cover the entire city that is now on fire. Also, a hurricane tends to mysteriously happen when taxes are up. Oh well, back in reality, all will be good so long as I get to keep most of my (hard-earned?) cash.
And speaking of computer games, I have temporarily returned to my former state - a geeky year 8 and 9 kid sitting in front of a playstation for hours on end, playing a Final Fantasy game. Back then I used to stay up til about 2am playing the damn thing. Last Tuesday night I stayed up to 3am playing Final Fantasy XII...and I had to work the next day! Needless to say the immature little boy inside me has been well-nourished, and will be until this game is done. Apparently this one is supposed to take 70 hours to finish...
Hmmm, no wonder I don't have a girlfriend.
And finally, one piece of advice. If you're out for a jog and a pedestrian is coming your way on the footpath, don't give in to the game of chicken. Conversely if you see a runner coming towards you, do the right thing and step aside for him/her. I say this because during one of my rare runs today, I tweaked my ankle a little after rolling it as I stepped off the paved path and onto a small divot in the grass. If you were the walker and you were the one that stepped into it, it wouldn't have been so bad. The pedestrian was some pre-pubescent 15 year old girl talking on the phone, most probably telling her best friend Jane how she lost her virginity last night to her distant 4th cousin. Bah, I'm just being a whining little bitch. My ankle's good.
Remember now, 24 owns every other TV show, and House is not far off, unlike Grey's Anatomy aka. The O.C. in a hospital aka. That show where all they do is have sex with each other in the dark pharmaceuticals room, which is so unlike real life because if you tried it you'd accidentally knock over a bottle of pills and smash the glass which would then cut your feet open, which would then bleed profusely causing the female to be put off having sex with you because she is scared you have HIV and remember, she's a doctor so she knows not to mess with that shit, so she goes and gets some tegaderm to patch you up then you go to try it again, only this time you use the physiotherapists' room because you know all the physios are downstairs having a coffee break for the ninth time that morning so the chances of you getting caught are slim, but just as you're about to score the episode is up and you'll have to wait 'til next week.
And speaking of computer games, I have temporarily returned to my former state - a geeky year 8 and 9 kid sitting in front of a playstation for hours on end, playing a Final Fantasy game. Back then I used to stay up til about 2am playing the damn thing. Last Tuesday night I stayed up to 3am playing Final Fantasy XII...and I had to work the next day! Needless to say the immature little boy inside me has been well-nourished, and will be until this game is done. Apparently this one is supposed to take 70 hours to finish...
Hmmm, no wonder I don't have a girlfriend.
And finally, one piece of advice. If you're out for a jog and a pedestrian is coming your way on the footpath, don't give in to the game of chicken. Conversely if you see a runner coming towards you, do the right thing and step aside for him/her. I say this because during one of my rare runs today, I tweaked my ankle a little after rolling it as I stepped off the paved path and onto a small divot in the grass. If you were the walker and you were the one that stepped into it, it wouldn't have been so bad. The pedestrian was some pre-pubescent 15 year old girl talking on the phone, most probably telling her best friend Jane how she lost her virginity last night to her distant 4th cousin. Bah, I'm just being a whining little bitch. My ankle's good.
Remember now, 24 owns every other TV show, and House is not far off, unlike Grey's Anatomy aka. The O.C. in a hospital aka. That show where all they do is have sex with each other in the dark pharmaceuticals room, which is so unlike real life because if you tried it you'd accidentally knock over a bottle of pills and smash the glass which would then cut your feet open, which would then bleed profusely causing the female to be put off having sex with you because she is scared you have HIV and remember, she's a doctor so she knows not to mess with that shit, so she goes and gets some tegaderm to patch you up then you go to try it again, only this time you use the physiotherapists' room because you know all the physios are downstairs having a coffee break for the ninth time that morning so the chances of you getting caught are slim, but just as you're about to score the episode is up and you'll have to wait 'til next week.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Graduate (Private Practice) Physiotherapy 101
- Confidence is everything and clinical problem-solving and skills, whilst obviously very important, are overrated. Had one of the partners come in today so I could sit in with him and see how he does things. All part of the learning experience I guess, and boy did I learn stuff off him today! I learnt more in two hours with him than all of uni. Come across confident, and the patient will be confident.
- If confidence is everything, trust is...well, everything too I guess. Objective number one when seeing a new patient - build the trust and the rapport, and don't come across as either a) a bumbling fool or b) a weird-arse psycho that is only doing physio so he can order women to take off their tops, and everything else will fall into place. Once again, a lesson learnt off the boss. Although upon hearing that he's coming to see patients with me, the other physios were worried that I'd be "corrupted at too early a stage in my career" by his...err...unorthodox ways. But I'm glad I saw him in action today, which leads me to the next point...
- Letting your boss see patients with you is neither clever nor smart when it comes to boosting your confidence, and keeping your job secure. You feel stupid when he asks you questions that you don't know the answer to. As a result, you feel like you will be fired tomorrow.
- Sometimes a patient will be a right old cockhead. They will call up the next day and blame you for giving them a new injury despite the fact that what you did was quite harmless and despite prior warnings to expect post-treatment soreness. They will cause a fuss that forces other physios to see her as well, and ultimately your boss. In times like these, it is often therapeutic to your own confidence if you 'debrief' with other members of staff who have come in contact with this patient. Patients like these will make you feel inferior and, as is the case here when the boss is involved, will make you feel like the boss has a lower respect of your abilities, no matter how much he says otherwise. It is therefore imperative that you assure yourself that you did nothing wrong (so long as you didn't!) and that you pretend the patient is a giant inflatable douche. Try not to laugh when you imagine this the next time you see the patient.
- Patients like the one mentioned above usually come from Frankston
- Chiropractors are usually thought of unfavourably by many patients that see you. Nine manipulations of your disc bulge without any exercise prescription or self-management tips usually does more harm than good. Also, the chiropractic practice of ordering x-rays upon x-rays for everything to do with the spine seems to be pissing off the radiographer fraternity.
- Patients may see you one morning, only get minimal improvement, then see the chiropractor the next day and get complete pain recovery, and subsequently cancel your appointment. In times likes these, feel happy that your patient is better especially if your patient is really nice. However, be prepared to see her again especially if SHE WAS GIVEN A FREAKIN' BACK MANIPULATION DESPITE HAVING A LIKELY ACUTE DISC BULGE. I mean, faaaark, some chiros are good, but ones that do this should be shot dead. It's like hammering your already-fractured forearm with a mallet. Your pain might disappear for a short-time, but in the long-term you've made it worse!!! But then again, I'm sure they know this, because it means they'll keep coming back again and again which translates into $$$.
- Be good to your admin staff. They know more than you.
- Be sure to exit the building quickly when you set the alarm at closing time. Having the alarm go off will freak you out. Ensure that you put the blame squarely on the receptionist in times like these.
- If confidence is everything, trust is...well, everything too I guess. Objective number one when seeing a new patient - build the trust and the rapport, and don't come across as either a) a bumbling fool or b) a weird-arse psycho that is only doing physio so he can order women to take off their tops, and everything else will fall into place. Once again, a lesson learnt off the boss. Although upon hearing that he's coming to see patients with me, the other physios were worried that I'd be "corrupted at too early a stage in my career" by his...err...unorthodox ways. But I'm glad I saw him in action today, which leads me to the next point...
- Letting your boss see patients with you is neither clever nor smart when it comes to boosting your confidence, and keeping your job secure. You feel stupid when he asks you questions that you don't know the answer to. As a result, you feel like you will be fired tomorrow.
- Sometimes a patient will be a right old cockhead. They will call up the next day and blame you for giving them a new injury despite the fact that what you did was quite harmless and despite prior warnings to expect post-treatment soreness. They will cause a fuss that forces other physios to see her as well, and ultimately your boss. In times like these, it is often therapeutic to your own confidence if you 'debrief' with other members of staff who have come in contact with this patient. Patients like these will make you feel inferior and, as is the case here when the boss is involved, will make you feel like the boss has a lower respect of your abilities, no matter how much he says otherwise. It is therefore imperative that you assure yourself that you did nothing wrong (so long as you didn't!) and that you pretend the patient is a giant inflatable douche. Try not to laugh when you imagine this the next time you see the patient.
- Patients like the one mentioned above usually come from Frankston
- Chiropractors are usually thought of unfavourably by many patients that see you. Nine manipulations of your disc bulge without any exercise prescription or self-management tips usually does more harm than good. Also, the chiropractic practice of ordering x-rays upon x-rays for everything to do with the spine seems to be pissing off the radiographer fraternity.
- Patients may see you one morning, only get minimal improvement, then see the chiropractor the next day and get complete pain recovery, and subsequently cancel your appointment. In times likes these, feel happy that your patient is better especially if your patient is really nice. However, be prepared to see her again especially if SHE WAS GIVEN A FREAKIN' BACK MANIPULATION DESPITE HAVING A LIKELY ACUTE DISC BULGE. I mean, faaaark, some chiros are good, but ones that do this should be shot dead. It's like hammering your already-fractured forearm with a mallet. Your pain might disappear for a short-time, but in the long-term you've made it worse!!! But then again, I'm sure they know this, because it means they'll keep coming back again and again which translates into $$$.
- Be good to your admin staff. They know more than you.
- Be sure to exit the building quickly when you set the alarm at closing time. Having the alarm go off will freak you out. Ensure that you put the blame squarely on the receptionist in times like these.
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