So I have this large red bump on my shin. It kinda started about two days ago and I thought it was just one of those really bad pimples that got lost and took a wrong turn to end up near my ankles rather than on my face. Two days later and the thing has blown up like buggery. It's red and raised and bloody sore to touch. This afternoon it felt like it was throbbing when I was on my feet. That was the cue for me to suck in my stoic manlihood and to commit the one mortal sin for any man who wants to keep his ego - visit the doctor for something other than a heart attack, a fracture or to just get an unnecessary doctor's certificate to validate your sickie.
All you really need to know about the consultation is that it involved a sharp blade, and me trying desperately hard to keep still as I wince and scream something along the lines of "f*#kity f#@kin f#*k!!!" - that's without making an audible sound though. I think what made it worse was the fact that I saw the blade beforehand, so as I had my eyes closed I could still conjure up an image of this sharp little metal thing digging into the soft, bleeding skin all in vivid slow-motion. Anywho, it turns out that it's an infection, most likely from an insect bite of some sort which would explain the tiny little white dot in the centre of the area. I had the choice of antibiotics or antibiotics plus getting rid of whatever is in that raised bump. Injections and needles don't scare me so I figured this wouldn't be so bad. Well... let me give you a piece of advice. If a part of your skin is raised, red, warm and most importantly, painful to touch with even just a fingertip, then chances are a blade that the doctor not only inserts through your skin but also slides across it, will have you in more pain than listening to a hippy singing an opera with lyrics that repeat the words 'hug me a tree' eleven times over. And if you thought that was fun, having the doctor squeeze the pus out of it after making the little incision will bring you so close to elbowing her in the face, only to be stopped by the thought that hitting her will a) quite possibly cut your leg even more accidentally and b) leave you open to being sued. Oh, and did I mention that this was without a local anaesthetic?
That's right everyone, I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!
